05-16-1999

Amorous Emu Fails to Get Her Man

__ MOBILE, Ala., (Reuters) - A 6-foot-tall, 150-pound emu that fell head over heels in love with an Alabama man and stalked him for days was turned loose Thursday on a farm populated by her own species.
__``It was mating season and she took a fond liking to him, Diane Roberts, director of the Mobile, Alabama, Animal Rescue Foundation, told Reuters. He had to ward her off with a boat paddle. She was absolutely intent that this was her mate.''
__The giant bird showed up at the home of Ed and Ann Stuardi last month, drinking from a bird bath and eating berries in their yard. They fed it dog food.
__Last week the emu began following Ed Stuardi around. Then it became aggressive, chasing their cats. Stuardi tried to frighten the bird away by shooting his gun into the air. The emu just stood there, looking at him forlornly.
__By Monday, it was making noises deep in its throat, a mating call Stuardi failed to recognize as the bird approached him. Shorter than than the bird, he held it off with a boat paddle.
__Monday night and Tuesday, the Stuardis cowered inside their home. Ann Stuardi called the sheriff to beg for help but was told deputies didn't have the equipment to catch the bird.
__That's when Animal Rescue Foundation got involved. "She pursued him. They had been feeding her, and when mating season hit, he almost got it. She had her heart set on this man," said Roberts.
__"I've never seen an emu hold hostages," she said. "He wasn't aware what the bird wanted, or why she was stalking him. I've never seen one stalk a human with procreation in mind."
__Animal Rescue had been looking for the bird since Aug. 22, when it heard that a man had moved away from the area, abandoning three emus. The other two birds still have not been found.
__It took several hours for the rescue team to persuade the bird to get into a horse trailer so it could be taken to a farm that cares for injured wildlife. Roberts said the emu's only injury was a broken heart, and it was released into an area with other emus, including several males.
__``Hopefully she will meet another fellow and forget all about Mr. Stuardi. After all, he is a married man,'' Roberts said.

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The top 17 fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant:

17. "I finished the Oreos."

16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."

15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!"

14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"

13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor ? The 25th is the Super Bowl."

12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."

11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."

10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

7. "Get your *own* ice cream."

6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."

5. "Got milk ?"

4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

2. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water..."

And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant:

1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger..."

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Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered." "I think librarians are the easiest," said the second surgeon. "When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered." The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are color coded." The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and ass are interchangeable."

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A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to Louisiana. Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port and sent a short E-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at her address, JennJohn@world.net.

Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the E-mail ended up going to JeanJohn@world.net, a Jean Johnson in Duluth, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away and was buried that day. The preacher's wife took one look at the E-mail and promptly fainted.

It read, "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"

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Charles so loved his wife that he had her name tattooed to his manhood. When aroused, it said, "Wendy", when not, it said simply "WY". While on vacation at a nude beach in Jamaica, he stood at a bar in the sand. He noticed that a local standing next to him had "WY" tatooed in the same area of his anatomy. Thinking this an incredible coincidence, Charles asked, "Excuse me, would that happen to say "Wendy"?

"No." Replied the local. "It says 'Welcome to Jamaica, mon, 'ave a nice day."

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