05-20-2000
Home--Jokes Homepage
1. A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand
chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
2. A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut
daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always
have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of
the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out
of hazlenut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made
with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular
time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut
daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory
daiquiri, doc."
3. A hungry African lion was roaming through the jungle looking for
something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and
reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion
quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king
of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
4. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
5. A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating
recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee;
then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor
replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."
6. A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth.
The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you
six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies,
"all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some
asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce.
I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish,
vegtables, everything." "Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the
problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is
highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new
plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient. To which
the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate
like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
7. An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first
gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of
deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The
chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The
third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a
secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus
hide. He challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried,
unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had
given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it
out?" The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the
hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."
TOP
Top Ten Signs Your Co-Worker is a Computer Hacker
10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was for $20,000.
9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running.
8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
6. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.
5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net".
4. Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.
3. His video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.
2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President".
1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now!"
TOP
Ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at
a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blond
jokes, when a big blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and
says: I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes, Asshole.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a
person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?
It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work
and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person ... because you
and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only
blondes but women at large ... all in the name of humor.
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blond pipes up,
"You stay out of this, mister. I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
TOP
A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has
decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful
girl and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he
is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has
been very disturbing to her.
She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, "I
suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?"
He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish, but is from a wealthy
Beverly Hills family.
She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, "What is her
name?"
He answers, "Monica Lewinsky."
There is a long pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that
nice Catholic boy you were dating last year?"
TOP
John gets a call from his blonde girlfriend, Buffy. "I've got a problem," says Buffy.
"What's the matter?" asks John.
"Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" asks John.
"It's of a big rooster," replies Buffy.
"All right," says John, "I'll come over and have a look."
So he goes over to Buffy's house. Buffy leads John into her kitchen
and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen table. John looks at the jigsaw and
then turns to Buffy and says, "For Pete's sake - put the cornflakes back in
the box."
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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 5 /20 /2000