05-27-2000

Origin of Chapstick:

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.
"Howdy, stranger..." "Howdy, Sheriff..." The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on, Mister..." "Sheriff?" "Did I just see what I think I just saw?" "Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..."
"And that cures them?"
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em.

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So There!

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City Office Building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.
She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio" - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the evelvator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts..... "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."

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I've Learned

I've learned- that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned- that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned- that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned- that it's not what you have in your life but how much you have in your bank accounts.

I've learned - that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.

I've learned- that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.

I've learned- that it's taking me a long time to sleep with the person I want.

I've learned- you should always leave loved ones with loving words.
You may need to borrow money.

I've learned- that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

I've learned- that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned- that either you control your attitude or you will be offered medication.

I've learned- that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned- that heroes are the people who do whoever has to be done when they need to be done, regardless of the morning after.

I've learned- that money is a great substitute for character.

I've learned- that my best friend and I can do anything except see "Everest" at the museum of science.

I've learned- that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.

I've learned- that sometimes when I'm angry I have PMS, God help all in my vicinity.

I've learned- that true friendship continues to grow, until you get your stuff back in the mail with no note.
I've learned- that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean you can't take advantage of them when they're passed out and naked in your bed.

I've learned- that maturity is a magazine for old fucks.

I've learned- that your family won't always be there for you.
Of course, if you win the lottery, the hag, the philanderer, the screw-up, the missing one and the horse tooth girl will more than be there for "you".

I've learned- that no matter how good a chick is, she'll only contribute to your alcoholism.

I've learned- that no matter how badly your heart is broken therapy is still expensive.

I've learned- that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for all lost or stolen articles while on the premises.

I've learned- that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't have secret plans to move out.

I've learned- that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

I've learned- that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could be Victoria's.

I've learned- that two people can screw the exact same person and compare notes.

I've learned- that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

I've learned- that overzealous customs agents can change your life in a matter of hours.

I've learned- that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the door.

I've learned- that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon.
And all the less important ones just never go away.

I've learned- To say "Fuck them if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages

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An End User rings Customer Support support to report that his computer is faulty.
Customer Support: "What is the problem?"
End User: "There is smoke coming out of the power supply."
Customer Support: "You will need a new power supply."
End User: "No I don't! I just need to change the startup files!"
Customer Support: "No, really -- the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it."
End User: "No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command."
This goes on for 10 more minutes, but the End User is still adamant that he's right. The Customer Support Engineer is now totally frustrated, and finally decides to ditch this call.
Customer Support: "Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there *is* an undocumented command that will fix the problem."
End User: "I knew it!"
Customer Support: "Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS, and that will fix your problem."
10 minutes later, the End User is back on the line.
End User: "It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking."
Customer Support: "Well, what operating system are you using?"
End User: "Windows 95"
Customer Support: "That's your problem there. That version of Windows didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file."
1 hour later.
End User: "I need a new power supply."
Customer Support: "How did you come to that conclusion?"
End User: "Well, I rang Microsoft and told him all about what you said, and the support person started asking questions about the make of power supply."
Customer Support: "Then what did he say?"
End User: "He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE."

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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 5 /27 /2000