05-27-2002

Deaf

A man tells a doctor, "I think my wife's going deaf. What can I do?"

The doctor says, "Well, try to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. That way we can see how bad the problem is."

The man goes home, sees his wife and says, "Hi honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer.

"Honey, what's for dinner?" He repeats this several times, until he's standing right next to her.

Finally, she answers, "For the tenth time, I said we're having Pot Roast!"

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TIPPING THE FBI

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descended on Billy Bob's house. They searched the shed where the firewood was kept. Using axes, they busted open every piece of wood, but found no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house. "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, Buddy"

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SICK MAN

The tough businessman was feeling very ill and went to the doctor.

The doc examined him and backed away, saying, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have an advanced case of highly infectious rabies. You must have had it for some time. It will almost certainly be fatal."

"Could you give me a pen and paper?" asked the businessman.

"Do you want to write your will?"

"No, I want to make a list of all the people I want to bite."

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Great Bar

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a great bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a BETTER one. At McDougall's, you buy two drinks and McDougall himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a great place.

Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a great bar, but where I come from, there's a BETTER one. Over in Rome, there's this place, Benedetto's; you buy a drink, Bennie buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Bennie buys you anudda drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Polish guy says, "YOU THINK THAT'S GREAT??? LISTEN TO THIS!!! Where I come from, Warsaw, there's this place called Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and you get lucky!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"Well, no", replies the Polish guy, "but it happened to my sister."

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The Dead Sea Scrolls, found in the 1940's will soon be published. One item that hasn't received much attention follows:

Lost Paragraph from Genesis:

So God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. God said, "This person will gather food for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?" And the rest is history.

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Marylou

Boudreaux was sitting quietly eating cracklin when his wife snuck up behind him and hit him on the head with an iron skillet. Why you do dat, huh!!?" screamed Boudreaux.

"Dat's for dat piece of paper in you pocket with the name "Marylou" wrote on it," she replied.

Boudreaux explained, "Two weeks ago when I went to dat track, Marylou she was the horse wot I bet on!" Ms. Boudreaux seemed satisfied and remorseful, apologized, and went off to work around the house.

Three days later he was again sitting in his chair eating boudin this time. "SMACK"! Ms. Boudreaux nailed him with a gumbo pot, knocking him out cold. When Boudreax came to, he said, "Wot the hell was dat for?"

"Your horse is on the phone."

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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 5/27/02