06-03-2000
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A man has six children and is very proud of his virility.
He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife
"Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's
time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready
to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall
we go home, Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion
shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
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Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell because she's got a hand grenade
clenched between her teeth.
Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear,
wondering what she did with her pencil.
Q: Why don't blondes eat Jell-O?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of
water into those little packages.
Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: They can't fit their head in the jar.
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My Exercise Diary:
For my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons
at
the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on
the
varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go
ahead
and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who
said
she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model.
My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.
They
suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my progress.
Day 1. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it
when I
arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something
of a
goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the
machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She
seemed a
little alarmed that it was
so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers
added
about ten points.
Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did
my
sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in
the
whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT!
Day 2. Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it.
Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the
air.
Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly
on
the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all
worthwhile.
Muscles ALL feel GREAT.
Day 3. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on
the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I
have
developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't
try
to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient
with
me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The
treadmill
hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a
machine
to simulate an activity rendered
obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise
would
make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.
Day 4. Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl.
I
can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to
tie my
shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word
"dumb"
must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent
Lars
looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It
sank.
Day 5. I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other
human
being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not
in
extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good
idea to
work on my triceps. Well, I have news for you, Tanya, I don't have
triceps.
And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I
refuse
to accept responsibility for the damage. YOU went to sadist school, YOU
are
to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt
like
crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music or social
studies teacher?
Day 6. I Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I
am. I
lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight
hours
of the weather channel.
Day 7. Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next
time my
wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate
for a
root canal.
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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 6 /3 /2000