06-11-2000

A Collection

A proud mother telephoned a Sunday newspaper to announce she had given birth to eight children. The line was bad, and the operator didn't hear the message.
"Would you repeat that?", the operator asked.
"Not if I can help it, " said the mother.
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When you have three young boys, it's hard to know whom to blame if something goes wrong in the house. One father explained to a friend how he solved the problem:
"I send all three to bed without letting them watch television. In the morning I go after the one with the black eye."
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Domestic peace is the luxury you enjoy between the children's bedtime and your own.
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Slogans for women's T-shirts
1. I'm out of estrogen ... I have a gun
2. Guys have feelings too. But like ... who cares?
3. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
4. I'm multitalented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.
5. How can I miss you if you won't go away?
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Chet: How does Wilma like being pregnant, Bert?
Bert: She's not "pregnant..." She's "expecting.
Chet: Oh!
Bert: She's expecting me to do more housework ..She's expecting me to cook dinner ... She's expecting me to rub her feet ... etc.
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Finn and Huck were friends. Finn up and died. No one was worried, about the funeral arrangements, they said they knew that: "Huck'll bury Finn."
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A young man had completed medical school. He went back home to the small town to work with his father. They went out the first day to make house calls. As they went in the first house the father said now you watch me so you will know what to do.
Inside a woman was in the bed and she looked terrible. The old doctor checked her out. He was making notes when he dropped his pen to the floor. He picked it up and told the woman she need to quit cleaning and working so hard in her house, she just needed rest.
When they got outside the son asked how he knew she was cleaning too much. The old doctor said when he dropped his pen that the floor was so clean, there wasn't a speck of dust anywhere.
When they arrived at the next house the father told his son it was his turn to play doctor. At this house too, the woman was in bed, looking terrible. The young doctor took her blood pressure and pulse, asked a few questions, made some notes. Then he dropped his pen and reached down to pick it up. Then he told the woman she was doing too much church work and needed to stop doing so much volunteer work for the church and pay more attention to matters at home.
When they left, the puzzled old doctor asked his son how he came up with that one. The younger doctor smiled and said, "Oh, that was easy. When I bent down to pick up my pen I saw the Minister hiding under the bed!"

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As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

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THE PERFECT DAY

- FOR HER

8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh in 2Kg lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants: open presents - expensive jewelry chosen by thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light work out at club with handsome. funny personal trainer.
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe
12:45 Catch sight of husband/boyfriend's ex and notices she has gained 7kg (15.43236 lbs).
1:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from a secret admirer
4:15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full length mirror
7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers
10:00 Hot shower (alone)
10:50 Carried to bed . . . (freshly ironed, crisp, new, white linen).
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms

- FOR HIM

6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive satisfying dump while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast: rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked buxom wench
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several Jack Daniels and Cokes en-route to airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear Jet
9:30 Limo to Riverside Oaks Golf Club (blow job en-route)
9:45 Play front nine (2 under)
11:45 Lunch two dozen oysters, 3 crown lagers, a bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Play back nine (4 under)
2:15 Limo back to the airport (Several J.D's and Cokes)
2:30 Fly to Great Barrier Reef
3:30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew (all nude)
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) - on light tackle
5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson
6:45 Shit, Shower and Shave
7:00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated; Denise Van Outen and Melanie Sykes animal farm video released and authenticated
7:30 Dinner: lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy filet steak, bottle of Grange
9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Cohuna cigar in front of wall size TV as you watch the highlights of England thrashing the Aussies
9:30 Sex with three women (preferably with some lesbian tendencies)
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing ale
11:30 A night cap blowjob
11:45 In bed alone
11:50 A 12 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room.

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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 6 /11 /2000