06-20-1999

Three men were lost in the forest and were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed the trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your a** without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten. The first apple went in, but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.

The second one arrives and shows the king that his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore he was also killed and went to heaven.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"

The second one replied, "I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doing well when suddenly that third guy showed up with all those watermelons.

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ONE LINER QUOTES (unverified)

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
(Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia.)

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
(Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.)

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
(Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL)

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
(Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL)

Beauty is only a light switch away.
(Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.)

I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
(Houghton Library, Harvard University, Cambridge, Massachusetts.)

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
(The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.)

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
(Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.)

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
(Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.)

Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!
(Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.)

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
(Revolution Books. New York, New York.)

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
(Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.)

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Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said "Ya know Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane." and every year Martha would say "I know Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs.... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs." So Stumpy says " By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, if I don't go this time I may nevah go." Martha replies " Stumpy, that theah aihplane ride is ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."

So the pilot overhears them and says " Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride; if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars."

They agree and up they go.... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does it one more time, still nothing... so he lands.

He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't." And Stumpy replies "Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out...but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!

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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 6/20/99