06-22-2002
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Senior Moment
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me..... I know we've been friends for a long time..... but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
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Another Senior Moment
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out & stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
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The Kite
A man in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds then it comes crashing back down.
He tries this a few more times and all the while his wife is watching from the kitchen window.
The wife, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything, opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need more tail."
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night you told me to go fly a kite!"
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Odds and Ends
A cucumber.
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a
carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
Pain.
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,
"Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled,
"Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe,
"Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his
diagnosis,
"You have a broken finger."
Bandaged.
A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The
boss says, "What happened to your ears?"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh!
I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your
other ear?"
He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"
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Macho Man Meets His Match
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you."
"I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise."
"I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it."
"Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night -- whether you're here or not."
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Letter To God
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. So he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send the letter to the president.
The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note, which read: "Dear God, Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC and as usual those bastards deducted $95.00 in taxes."
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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 6/22/02