07-10-1999

A hip young man goes out and buys a 1999 Ferrari GTO. It is the best and most expensive car available in the world, costing about $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a mo-ped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A 1999 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!", states the cool dude proudly. The mo-ped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure,"replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his mo-ped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speed-ometer reads 320 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the mo-ped.

"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a mo-ped outrun a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh! Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the mo-ped and the old man are hurtin' for certain. He runs up to the old man and says, "You're badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man moans and replies, "Yes..... Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"

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"Turkey Giblets"

There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke.

The noise would always wake up his wife, and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function, and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it, and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "shoot his guts out."

The years went by, and the wife continued to suffer, and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "shooting his guts out" until one Thanksgiving morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast.

She fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, made gravy and, of course, a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts.

She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.

Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud butt trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.

The wife could not control herself, and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood-stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing, and she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right - all those years you warned me, and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" innocently asked his wife.

"Well you always told me that I would end up shooting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of good Lord and and your toothbrush, I think I got 'em all back in."

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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 7/10/99