Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's
minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in
a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the
attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all
to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the
neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the
weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.
The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in
for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their
way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It
took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it
was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked: "Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house
and have sex with her?"
"Yes," he said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to
admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did.
Why do you ask?"
"No need to apologize, Bob. She just died and left me everything!
A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid
on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The
nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre,
where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to
check whether everything is ready.
A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts
examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and
talks to another man in a white coat.
The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations.
When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows
impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but
when are you going to start the operation?" The man in the white coat
shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the
A woman went to the doctors office and said, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a
problem. But, I'll have to take my clothes off to show you."
The doctor told her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She did and the
doctor went around to see her when she was ready. "Well, what is it?" he
"It's embarrassing," she replied. "These 2 green circles have appeared on
the inside of my thighs." The doctor examined her and finally admited he
had no idea what the cause was.
Suddenly, the doctor asks, "Does your husband wear earrings?"
"Why, yes, doctor, he does."
"Tell him they're not real gold."
A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple
of dogs mating on the sidewalk. "What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the
little girl. The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top
has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."
"They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one.
"How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.
"Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they screw you
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling
objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry
cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild
satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I
may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet
while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the
stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once
again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving,
incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt
to make them aware of what I am capable of,and to try to strike fear into
their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I
was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I
was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning
foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid?
My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed
in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell
the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I
overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn
what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches.
The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is
obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant.
He has mastered their frightful tongue(something akin to mole speak) and
speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to
his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can
wait, it is only a matter of time...
Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 7 /19 /2000