07-20-1999

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "We have wheat fields at least twice as big as that one back home."

They walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns back home that are at least twice as big as your little cows."

A bit later they come upon a pack of dingos. The Texan stares a bit then comments, "Not bad, but we have coyotes back home that could eat those little critters up in one bite."

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died off as the Aussie is getting tired of the one upsmanship, Then the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "What are those critters?"

The Aussie smiles, then replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers back home?"

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"The Cowboy's Dilemma"

Two cowboys are out in the woods rounding up cattle. They stop to cook some lunch when Tex decides he needs to pee.

He ambles off a short distance and starts to do his business, peeing over a fallen log. On the log, a rattlesnake had been sunning himself and, of course, didn't take kindly to the bath he got.

So the snake up and bit the cowboy on his "Johnson." Now Tex didn't like being bit there very well and started to scream bloody murder. His friend Rex came running to see what the commotion was all about.

Rex asked Tex what happened and was quickly told the details, "What kind of medical treatment is used?" asked Tex. "I don't know, but I do remember hearing that you should stay still and be calm. I'll ride to town and get the Doc or find out what to do."

So Rex rode to town, not sparing the horse, pulling up to the Doctor's office in a cloud of dust, ran in and told the Doc a rattler had bit Tex, but not any of the details.

"What needs to be done Doc, can you come out and take care of Tex?"

"Mrs. Ryan is about to have her baby so I can't come. But here's what needs to be done. You make a cut with this scalpel in the shape of an X by the fang mark, then you have to suck all the poison out."

"Say, Doc, what happens if this ain't done?, asked Rex.

"It's very likely that Rex could die." said the Doc.

Rex rode back to Tex in not as fast a trip and found him lying in the shade not feeling too well.

"WHAT DID THE DOC SAY?" Tex hollered seeing Rex looking rather distraught.

"Well... He said you gonna die, ol' boy!" said Rex.

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Little Johnny says "Mom, what kind of bird brings white babies?"

His mom says, "Why, a stork, little Johnny."

Little Johnny says, "Mom, what kind of bird brings black babies?"

His mom says, "A raven, dear."

Little Johnny then says, "Then what kind of bird brings no babies at all?"

His mom says, "A swallow!"

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VIRGINS

There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!"

Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you."

10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock...12 o'clock... Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flys open. In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom.

Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys???" No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself.

"What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty.

"Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!

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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 7/22/99