08-04-1999

MEN ARE FROM SEARS, WOMEN ARE FROM NORDSTROM

Just so everyone has a better understanding, I believe that, in general, women are saner than men. For example: If you see people who have paid good money to stand in an outdoor stadium on a freezing December day wearing nothing on the upper halves of their bodies except paint, those people will be male.

Without males, there would be no such sport as professional lawn mower racing. Also, there would be a 100 percent decline in the annual number of deaths related to efforts to shoot beercans off of heads.

Also, if women were in charge of all the world's nations, there would be no war. I sincerely believe this - virtually no military conflicts, and if there were a military conflict, everyone involved would feel just awful and there would soon be a high-level exchange of thoughtful notes written on greeting cards with flowers on the front, followed by a Peace Luncheon (which would be salads, with the dressing on the side).

So, I sincerely believe that women are wiser than men, with the exception of one key area, and that area is clothing sizes. In this particular area, women are insane.

When a man shops for clothes, his primary objective is to purchase clothes that fit on his particular body. A man will try on a pair of pants, and if those pants are too small, he'll try on a larger pair, and when he finds a pair that fits, he buys them. Most men do not spend a lot of time fretting about the size of their pants. Many men wear jeans with the size printed right on the back label, so that if you're standing behind a man in a supermarket line, you can read his waist and inseam size. A man could have, say, a 52-inch waist and a 30-inch inseam, and his label will proudly display this information, which is basically the same thing as having a sign that says: "Howdy! My rear is the size of a Federal Express truck!"

The situation is very different with women. When a woman shops for clothes, her primary objective is NOT to find clothes that fit her particular body. She would like for that not to be the case, but her primary objective is to purchase clothes that are the size she wore when she was 19-years-old.

This will be some arbitrary number such as "8" or "10." Don't ask me "8" or "10" of what; that question has baffled scientists for centuries. All I know is that if a woman was a size 8 at age 19, she wants to be a size 8 now, and if a size 8 outfit does not fit her, she will not move on to a larger size: She can't! Her size is 8! So she will keep on trying on size 8 items, and unless they start fitting her, she will become extremely unhappy.

She may take this unhappiness out on her husband, who is waiting patiently in the mall, perhaps browsing in the Sharper Image store, trying to think of how he could justify purchasing a pair of night-vision binoculars.

"Hi!" he'll says, when his wife finds him, "You know how sometimes the electricity goes out at night and..." "Am I fat?" she'll ask, cutting him off.

This is a very bad situation for the man, because if he answers "yes," she'll be angry because he's saying that she's fat, and if he answers "no," she'll be angry because HE'S OBVIOUSLY LYING BECAUSE NONE OF THE SIZE 8's FIT HER.

There is no escape for the husband. I think a lot of unexplained disappearances occur because guys in malls see their wives unsuccessfully trying on outfits, and they realize their lives will be easier if, before their wives come out and demand to know whether they're fat, the guys just run off and join a UFO cult.

Here's how you could get rich: Start a women's clothing store called "SIZE 2," in which all garments, including those that were originally intended to be restaurant awnings, had labels with the words "SIZE 2." I'll bet you'd sell clothes like crazy. You'd probably get rich, and you could retire, maybe take up some philanthropic activity to benefit humanity.

I'm thinking here of professional lawn mower racing.

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Bumper Snickers

If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.

Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

There's too much blood in my alcohol system.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!

I need someone really bad... are you really bad?

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

My kid had sex with your honor student.

Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Help wanted: Telepathy ... you know where to apply.

Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.

Hang up and drive.

Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.

WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Lord save me from your followers.

Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

Born again pagan.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

Cats... the other white meat.

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.

Wink, I'll do the rest!

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.

I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 8/4/99