08-05-2000
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A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar
and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on
his face. The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting
married, but what's up -- you look so excited." The groom replies, "I just
had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying
the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride comes walking down the
aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid
of honor notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to
be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited." The bride replies
"I have just given the last blow job of my entire life."
TOP
My uncle was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had
several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters
whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
My uncle kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform
well went into the pot and was replaced. Now this took an awful lot of
time. So when my uncle saw a set of eight tiny bells that each rang a
different tone he promptly bought them.
He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell
wouldn't ring except when violently shaken. He hung a bell on each
rooster's neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep.
Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency
report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the
bells and marking down each encounter.
My uncle's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was
and his bell did not ring all morning. Uncle went to investigate. Several
roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in
his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and
walk on to the next one.
Uncle was so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair.
Brewster was an overnight sensation. They not only awarded him the No
Bell prize but also the Pullet Surprise.
TOP
"Darling" says a husband coyly to his wife: "let's swap positions
tonight". "What a good idea" she replies, "you stand in front of the
ironing board, and I'll sit in front of the TV and fart"
TOP
There's this man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a
fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and
his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. "Dear Sir, please
find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your
bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate."
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized is
wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says
"Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit. The
long robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head you will
really look the part."
Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his
wooden leg, to emphasizing his bald head, and he writes the company a
REALLY rude letter of complaint.
After a few days he receives a small parcel and a note which reads:
"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of caramel
over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a candied
apple!"
TOP
Apologies in Advance to all Alabamians
Redneck vasectomy
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was
enough (they could not afford a larger double-wide). So, the husband
went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his
wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy
that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a
cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer
can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man,
but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear
is going to help me." So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second
opinion.
The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure
for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama.
This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb,
light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went
home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear
and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused,
placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
TOP
Rejected Motel 6 Slogans:
15. Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car.
14. As seen on "COPS".
13. If we'd known you were staying all night, we'd have changed the sheets.
12. Not just for nooners anymore.
11. We left off the 9, but you know it's there.
10. You rented the room, now buy the video.
9. Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn't have money
left over for a hooker.
8. We'll leave the Lysol for Ya!
7. Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there on
your salary, pal.
6. We don't make the adultery. We make the adultery *better*.
5. It's Hookerriffic
4. Official lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins.
3. Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art since 1962!
2. Cheap and easy - Just like your girlfriend.
1. We put the "Ho" in Hotel".
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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 8 /5 /2000