08-07-1999

PRIMITIVE COINCIDENCE

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them Reading, Writing, Math, and Science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The members of the tribe are shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gave birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence... what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that black sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."

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"Religious Tech Support"

Ring ring...

G-d: Hello, this is the religion help line. What is your disbelief?

Sinner: I seem to have lost my faith.

G-d: Was your faith installed by an ordained priest or a Catholic Minister?

Sinner: Ummm... let's see, I have a confirmation, so it must have been a priest.

G-d: And have you been doing your Faith updates with Weekly Services(c)?

Sinner: Well, no, not all of them, but I did get the big upgrade at Christmas and Easter, and a few other Weekly Services here and there.

G-d: Have you recently heard any contrary Data that might have corrupted your faith?

Sinner: Not that I can think of..

G-d: Please remember that corrupting data can come in many forms, from Simple Lies (c)*(Microsoft) or Street Rhetoric (Internet). Have your Ears downloaded anything that might be construed as corrupting?

Sinner: Well I did listen to a bum on the street that said that G-d was asleep, and that anyone who believes was being lulled into the fires of hell.

G-d: What you have is a paradox, that is the problem with your faith, you see, somehow you have an INI string installed that does not let you Believe in G-d, but the output of this string is a Goto Hell. Without G-d there is no hell, thus the paradox. Sinner: And how do I get this Paradox out of my system?

G-d: Please re-read the book that came with your faith, The Bible(TM) and recall the passages that deal with heaven and hell, and look to the passages about Judas.ini (c). You can also find some help in the Psalms 100-120, but those are long and confusing and should only be used with a complete lack of Faith.

Sinner: And what can I do so that my Faith never becomes corrupted again?

G-d: Well there are several products out there just for that purpose, Lotus Devout(TM), Microsoft Seminary Plus(TM), and Netscape Hereafter Browser(TM). If you use these products and not download data from know corrupting sources, you should be fine.

Sinner: Well thank you very much G-d. This should help out a lot, I should be believing in you without a doubt in no time.

G-d: Go in Peace(TM) my son.

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ASTROLOGY FOR SOUTHERNERS: WHAT'S Y'ALL'S SIGN?

It has become pretty obvious to me that our present astrological signs have served their purpose and that we should get rid of them. When I'm out driving around I'll see bulls, and once in a great while I suppose I'll even see a ram. Up the street from me there's some twins, but I don't see them much. The rest of these things are just too obscure.

You only see crabs on vacation. There are no lions, or scorpions, not many archers and no damn water bearers. Virgins? the neighborhood's not crawling with them either, needless to say. SO what we need here is some relevance. We need things we can recognize up there in the night sky.

Okra Dec 22 - Jan 20
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

Chitlin Jan 21 - Feb 19
Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make for a really terrible mess. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around. No, not with a Moon Pie.

Boll Weevil Feb 20-Mar 20
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, not even a Moon Pie, so don't worry about it.

Moon Pie Mar 21-April 20
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

Possum APR 21 - May 21
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it-attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work and you may find your problems actually running you over. No room in your life for Moon Pies.

Crawfish May 22 - June 21
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very very good heads. Keep a distance from Moon Pies.

Collards June 22-July 23
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

Catfish July 24 - Aug 23
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one: Whiskers, may cause problems for loved ones. Your catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

Grits Aug 24 - Sept 23
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, though so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

Boiled Peanuts Sept 24 - Oct 23
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best -- your friends and loved ones -- may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

Butter Bean October 24 - Nov 22
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

Armadillo Nov 23 - Dec 21
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky mating possiblity. Stay away from Moon Pies.

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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 8/7/99