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The Top 12 Stupid FDA Warning Labels

12. Cell phones: "Phone should always be in the offposition before being lodged up your ass by the angry motorist you just rear-ended."

11. Jaegermeister: "What can you possibly be thinking?"

10. Viagra: "Just remember, chump, you're STILL fat, bald and ugly!"

9. The Clapper: "Use of this product near a construction site is not recommended."

8. Pineapple: "Not to be inserted rectally. No, seriously -- it's not a good idea."

7. Rogaine: "Excessive use may result in a career as a boxing promoter."

6. Zima: "Merely holding this bottle is obliterating your already-remote prospects of getting laid."

5. Raquel Welch: "Contents may have settled."

4. Windows98: "May cause unpredictable behavior and loss or corruption of d$@@NQ t!"z +~]]J; FATAL EX&~d"

3. Whitman Sampler: "Caution - you never know what you're gonna git."

2. El Presidente Cigars: "Should only be enjoyed orally."

and Top5's Number 1 Stupid FDA Warning Label...

1. Prozac: "Whatever"

Ads in Bills: Have you noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them! I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank you."

Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married!' (walk off). That's how wives mark their territory! You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

Cripes! My wife's from the Mid-west. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes!' 'For Cripe's sake!' Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh?' of the church of 'Holy Moly'! I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

Morning Differences: Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it! We just wake up and we want you! And the women are thinking, 'how can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you! We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve!

Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen'. You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests! Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday!

Phone-in Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't know"! It costs 90 cents to call up and vote "I don't know"! Imagine these people watching a program..."Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone." (into phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (hangs up, looking proud) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you are not sure about!" This guy probably calls up phone sex girl at $2.95 a minute. (into phone) "I'm not in the mood!"



1 . Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

4. This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says,"I'll just have the eggs Benedict."

His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?"

The waiter says, "Well, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."

5. When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

6. A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"

The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

7. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

8. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

9. A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 P.M. One Afternoon, as the end of the workd day approcached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiguiri!"

"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

10. A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.

The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.

Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

11. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

12. A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a tepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a tepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me nuts. What's wrong with me?

The doctor replies: "It's very simple. Your're two tents."

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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 8/28/99