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Dear Abby,

I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in the suburb of Seatoun, and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston North, is married to an Australian.

My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Mt. Eden Prison, Auckland, for the rape and murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Wellington remand center on charges of incest with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD.

We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiance utilizing her knowledge of the industry, working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the streets and, hopefully, the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the family and, of course, I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being employed by Microsoft?


Subject: the fly

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Because it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the floor.


The moral to the story is...
Never fly off the handle when you're full of shit.


The Expert

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You might not want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not ?" asked someone from the back of the room.

"Well... I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years. She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table & cabinets, often carrying a single item." the expert explained. "I suggested how she might improve the quality of service."

"And did it work ?" the audience member persisted.

"Well... actually yes. It used to take her 25 minutes to fix me breakfast. Now, I do it in eighteen."


Good News and Bad News

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death." "When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor..."

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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 9/4/99