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A man sat in a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression. The bartender asked, "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"

The man said, "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."

The bartender said, "Ah, now I understand why you look so unhappy."

The man, with a surprised look, said, "Oh no! That's not it at all."

The bartender said, "I don't get it."

The man said, "The month ends TODAY!"

Did you hear about the man who invented the Hokey-Pokey?
He died, and it took the Mortician 13 hours to get him into the casket.

He put the left foot in; he took the left foot out.....

A Bloke in Australia walks up to the bar with a big ostrich behind him. As he sits, a small cat jumps up on the stool beside him. The barman comes over, regarding the trio with some curiosity, and says, "What'll it be?"

The man says, "I'll have a pint," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have a pint as well," says the ostrich. Bloke looks at the cat, and says, "I suppose you want a drink too." The cat replies, "I'll have a half, but I ain't fookin' payin'!"

So the barman pulls two and a half pints, and says, "That'll be three pounds forty, please." The man reaches into his pocket, feels around, and pulls out exactly three-forty in change. A while later, the same thing happens, and the man pulls the exact amount out of the same pocket.

The next day, the man, the ostrich, and the cat return to the same bar. "I'll have a pint," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich, and the cat orders up a half... "But I ain't fookin' payin'!" Repeat of yesterday.

The Bloke pays each time with the exact amount from his pocket. This becomes almost a regular routine until late one evening, the trio enters again.

"The same?" asks the barman.

"Well", says the man, "it's close to last orders. I'll have a large scotch." He turns to the ostrich inquiringly. The bird says, "I'll have a large scotch as well." The cat says, "I'll have a small scotch... but I ain't fookin' payin'!"

The barman rings up the drinks and turns, with a sly grin, "that'll be seven pounds twenty, please." To his amazement, the man pulls the exact seven & twenty out of his pocket. As the trio are finishing their drinks, the barman can't contain his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir, but before you leave there's something I must know... how do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago, I took care of an old lady well into her nineties, and when she died, she left me her old house. As I was cleaning out the attic, I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie appeared and offered me two wishes."

"That's fantastic", says the barkeep, "What did you wish for?"

"Well, if I ever need to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right money will always be there."

"That's brilliant," says the barman, "most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live."

"That's right, whether its a quart of milk or even a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there. The best thing I ever did!"

As he turns to go, the barman calls him back and says, "One last thing, sir... err, your friends there... we don't get many cats or ostriches drinkin' in 'ere...?"

The man looks glum. "Yes, I know. That's probably the worst thing I ever did, but I'm stuck with 'em. You see, for my second wish from the genie, I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

An Irishman walks into a pub and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the bar. As he's drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says "Hey, what's that little green thing down there?"

The green man runs down the bar gives the Englishman a raspberry, "PPHHRRRRTT!," right in the face and runs back to the Irishman.

The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman, "Hey, what is that thing, anyway?"

The Irishman replies, "Have some respect. He's a leprechaun."

"Oh, all right." the Englishman says sullenly. They all go back to drinking beer.

An hour or so later, the Englishman is really plastered. "Boy, that leprechaun sure is an ugly little bastard!" he says. The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a raspberry again- "PPHHRRRTT!"

This time the Englishman is really mad! "Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again I'll cut his little dick off!" he shouts.

"You can't do that" says the Irishman. "Leprechauns don't have dicks."

"How do they pee, then?" asks the Englishman.

"They don't," says the Irishman. "They go "PPHHRRRTT!"

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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 10/8/99