Microsoft to Acquire Federal Government
REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 11, 1999 -- In direct response to accusations made by
the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United
States of America for an undisclosed sum. "It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft chairman
Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone". Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval
office of the White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be "minimal".
The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned for July of next
year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to Microsoft president Steve
Ballmer. In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a
vice president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When
asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief". He went on
to say that Gates has a "proven track record", and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their "full support and confidence".
Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at
Microsoft. Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as "silly", though did say that he would
make executive decisions for the U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say
that the House and Senate would "of course" be abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, "and look how well
we're doing". When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that
discussions are taking place". Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens will be
able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft products. About Microsoft
Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in software for personal computers, and democratic
government. The company offers a wide range of products and services for public, business and personal use, each
designed with the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal
computing and free society every day. About the United States Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most
successful nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years.
Headquartered in Washington, D.C., the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.
Unexpected Side Effect
A friend of mine lost most of his hair at a fairly young age. He never
really got used to it and when they announced the new hair growth drug,
Propecia he was among the first in line. Unfortunately, he was also
among the few to have a major side affect, impotency.
Because he had gotten such great results in hair growth and the bouts of
his impotency were intermittent, he decided to stay on Propecia. He
hoped there would someday be a solution to the impotency. He knew his
prayers were answered when his doctor called and asked if he'd like to
participate in the clinical trials of a male virility drug called viagra.
Now, whenever his wife comes in the room, his hair stands on end.
THE RULES OF CHOCOLATE
If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all
count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off
your appetite and you'll eat less.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories
in one place. Isn't that handy?
If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.
But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.
Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate
to protect themselves.
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that
a balanced diet?
Don't they actually counteract each other?
Money talks. Chocolate sings.
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose.
An entire garment industry would be devastated.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today.
That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 10/11/99