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There was this little old lady who was nearly blind and she had three sons who wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.

So son # 1 bought her a 15 room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her.

Son # 2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking her would surely win her approval.

Son # 3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot that had been training for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could ask of him any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. What a gift that would be.

Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."

Then she confronted her second son with "Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car."

Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son I just want to thank you for that most thoughtful gift. That chicken was delicious."

"I've had it with my wife." said the one drinking buddy to the other. "I'm filing for an divorce."

"Sorry to hear that pal." said his partner. "May I ask why?"

"I found her supply of birth control pills." said the first.

"Listen Frank, with all due respect to your religion, I just can't see leaving your wife for what the Church says is a sin."

"It ain't just that" stormed Frank. "I had a vasectomy over five years ago."

An old man made it shakily through the door to Joe Conforte's Mustang Ranch, outside Reno, Nevada.

The receptionist stared at him. "You gotta be in the wrong place," she exclaimed. "What are you looking for?"

"Ain't this the famous Mustang Ranch? Ain't this where you got forty-five girls ready 'n' able?"

The receptionist looked perplexed, "Ready for what?"

"I want a girl," the old man rasped. "I wanna get laid."

"How old are you, Pop?" she asked.

"Ninety-two," he replied.

"Ninety-two? Pop, you've HAD it!"

"Oh," said the old man, a little disconcerted as his trembling fingers reached for his wallet. "How much do I owe you?"

A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargement. He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, "Scooby dooby dooby. I want bigger boobies."

She did this every day faithfully and after several months ... it worked! She grew great boobs! One night she went to a party, got trashed, and went home with some strange guy. In the morning when she woke up, she didn't know where she was, so she took a shower and left for work.

On the bus she realized that she had forgotten to do her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies."

Larry, who sitting nearby, asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" "Why, yes, I do. How did you know?" "Hickory dickory dock ..."

Two men are sent before a judge on drug related charges. Rather than sending them to jail, the judge decides that it would be better to sentence them to community service. The judge tells the men that they are to go out into the community and spread the word as to the dangers of drugs. In 30 days they are to come back before him, and report to the court how many people they have reformed.

Thirty days go by and the men are back in the courtroom. The judge asks the first man how many people he's freed from the dangers of drugs?"

"I converted 133" the man answered.

When the judge asked how he'd accomplished this, the man replied, "Simple, I drew them this picture and told them:
O This is your brain
o This is your brain on drugs"

The second man said, "Well, I converted 275 people"

Amazed the judge asked how he'd accomplished such a feat.

The man said, "Simple, I drew them this picture and told them:
o This is your asshole
O This is your asshole after prison."


A Letter To John Hinkley

Mr. John Hinkley
St. Elizabeth Hospital
Washington, D.C.

Dear John,

Hillary and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness Abroad throughout the land. Hillary and I want you to know that no grudge is held against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. Hillary and I are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best wishes,

Bill Clinton

P.S. Ken Starr is screwing Jodie Foster.

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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 10 /15 /2000