10-16-1999
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Hmmm
The story about creating woman is so entrenched in our cultural heritage
that many accept as actual historic fact the assertion that Woman was
created from one of Adam's ribs. Last week, at a dig in the escarpments
along the western shore of the Dead Sea, archeologists have uncovered
ancient, original texts that pre-date Moses' writings by 1,300 years.
Translated, their account of life's beginning on earth are much more
scientifically plausible...
"...and God created Woman, giving her three breasts to succor her young.
And God spoke, saying to her, "I have created thee as I see fit. Is
there anything about thee that thou would prefer differently?" And Woman
spoke, saying, "Lord, I am not made to birth whole litters. I need but two
breasts."
And God said......."Thou speak wisely, as I have created thee with
wisdom......" There was a crack of lightening and a lingering odor of
ozone, and it was done...and woman stood holding her third breast in her
hand. "Now just what am I gonna do with this useless boob?" Woman
exclaimed......
And so it was, God created Man."
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Ten words that should exist
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to
turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when
vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen
times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it
back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you
dropped on the floor by rubbing on it, assuming this will somehow
'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering
for one armrest in a movie theater.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be
swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until
he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n.
Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly
that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose
sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want
ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone
number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a
dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always
letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even
when you're only six inches away.
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"How Did You Break Your Arm?"
Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of the
slopes as written in this account by a New Orleans' paper.
A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the
cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect. 12 below, no feeling
in the toes, basic numbness all over, "tell me when we're having fun" kind
of day. One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she
was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure
there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room
for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not
go away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you
know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, with time
running out, the woman weighed her options.
Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since
she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No
one would even notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than
adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and
proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope,
then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set up your skis so you
don't move. Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep
slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without warning,
the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through the
trees, somehow missing all of them, and into another slope. Her derriere
and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was
picking up speed all the while.
She continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista
for the other skiers. The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back
under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was
that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long
last her husband arrived, put an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of
the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.
In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg
was put in the bed next to hers. "So. How'd you break your leg?" she asked,
making small talk. "It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was
riding up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this
crazy woman skiing backward out-of-control down the mountain with her bare
bottom hanging out of her clothes and pants down around her knees." "I
leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved.
I fell out of the lift." "So, how'd you break your arm?"
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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 10/16/99