10-17-2001

There were these three guys who died at the same time, and they were all standing in front of the Pearly Gates when St. Peter approached them. "We're getting a little full up here," St. Peter admitted, "so I'm afraid we can only take you if you died a really weird death."

So the first guy came up and says, "Well, I died a pretty weird death. I was going home early to my apartment on the thirty-fourth floor of my building, because I knew my wife was cheating on me, and I suspected the guy was there. I spent hours searching the apartment, but I just couldn't find him...until I saw some guy hanging from a flagpole outside. I started hitting and kicking the guy, but he had a good grip and wouldn't let go. So I went and got a broom and started to beat him with it until finally he let go, but he landed in some bushes and survived. So I picked up my refrigerator and dropped it on him, and at that point I had a heart attack and died."

St. Peter said, "Well, umm...I guess that sure qualifies, so you can go in."

Then the next guy came up and told his story: "I was mopping my patio on the forty-forth floor of my building when I slipped, but on the way down I managed to catch a flagpole. I had hung there for hours when this guy came out to yell at me. I thought I was saved, but he just started hitting and kicking me! He got a broom and started hitting me in the head with it until I finally let go, but I fell on some bushes and survived. I thought I was saved until a refrigerator landed on me and killed me dead."

St. Peter said, "Okay, that's pretty weird, too, so you can go in."

Then the last guy came up and said, "Okay, imagine this: I'm naked in a refrigerator..."

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"What do I know about sex? I'm a married man."
Tom Clancy

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
Steve Martin

"You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither."
Drew Carey

"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good."
Woody Allen

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Unknown

"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all."
Rodney Dangerfield

"My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet."
Bill Kelly

"As the French say, there are three sexes: men, women and clergymen."
Rev. Sydney Smith

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Woody Allen

"Homosexuality is God's way of insuring that the truly gifted aren't burdened with children."
Sam Austin

"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."
George Burns

"I can remember when riding motorcycles were dangerous and sex was safe."
Unknown

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
Matt Barry

"Life is a sexually transmitted disease."
Unknown

"My kid had sex with your honor student."
Bumper Sticker

"My sexual preference is not you."
T-shirt

"Programming is like sex. One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life."
Michael Sinz

"Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast."
Woody Allen

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
George Burns

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
Henry Miller

"The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision."
Lynn Lavner

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 3 80SL convertible.
P. J. ORourke

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Q. What do Bin Laden and Hiroshima have in common?
A. Nothing, yet.

Q. How do you play Taliban bingo?
A. B-52...F-16...B-1...

Q. What is the Taliban's national bird?
A. Duck

Q. How is Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone?
A. Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

Q. What do Osama Bin Laden and General Custer have in common?
A. They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!

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Everyone Asked to do Her Part...

I know everyone has been sending out emails about candle lightings and wearing ribbons, but...

The President has asked that we unite for a common cause. The Islamic Fundamentalists cannot stand nudity, and consider it a sin for a man to see a naked woman other than his wife.

Tonight at 7:00, all women are being asked to run out of their houses naked to help weed out the terrorists.

The United States appreciates your efforts, and applauds you.

God bless America.

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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 10/17/01