10-30-1999

If Jesus were a redneck .....

1. He'd have brought a fishing pole with him when he walked on water.

2. His last words on the cross would have been, "Hey, Paul, I kin see my house from up here."

3. He'd be famous for turning water into beer.

4. The prayer for the Passover meal would have been, "Good food, good meat, good God, let's eat."

5. His front yard would have been littered with broken down mule carts.

6. Instead of a grail, King Arthur would been searching for the Holy Beer Mug.

7. He would have cured blindness by yelling, "Yer healed" and slapping them on the forehead.

8. The disciples would have included Billy Bob, Scooter, and Bubba.

9. Sex, drinking, and dancing would clearly have been declared not sinful.

10. Instead of a fish, the symbol for Jesus would be a fishing lure.

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Baby Boomer Woes...

Then: Killer weed
Now: Weed killer

Then: Paar
Now: AARP

Then: The Grateful Dead
Now: Dr. Kevorkian

Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine
Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine

Then: Hoping for a BMW
Now: Hoping for a BM

Then: Getting your head stoned
Now: Getting your headstone

Then: Keg
Now: EKG

Then: Passing the driving test
Now: Passing the vision test

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your folks.
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids.

Then: Swallowing acid
Now: Swallowing antacid

Then: Obsessing over your PSAT scores
Now: Obsessing over your PSA scores

Then: You're growing pot
Now: Your growing pot

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

Then: The perfect high
Now: The perfect high-yield mutual fund

Then: Long hair
Now: Longing for hair

Then: Fighting to get rid of the lying president
Now: Fighting to keep the lying president

Then: President Johnson
Now: The president's johnson

Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
Now: Getting a new hip joint

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A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady returns. Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly." "Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing...

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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 10/30/99