11-04-2000

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

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Here's a heartwarming story. Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Safety Harbor, Florida forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all human kind. Read it and forward it to all those who could use a lift.

Dear Safety Harbor Middle School:

God blesses you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. It's nice to know that someone really thinks of me. God blesses you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.

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Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that.

A file that complex?
It might be very useful
But now it is gone.

Windows NT crashed
I am the Blue Screen of Death
No one hears your screams.

The Web site you seek
Cannot be located but
Countless more exist.

First snow, then silence
The thousand dollar screen dies
So beautifully.

The Tao you seek
Will not be the true Tao
Until you reboot.

With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence
"My work" is not found.

Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

You step in the stream
But the water has moved on
This page is not here.

Serious error
All shortcuts have disappeared
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

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Greater Los Angeles area Driver's License Application

Name:______________ Stage name:________________
Agent:______________ Attorney:__________________
Parole Officer__________________________________
Sex: ___Male ___Female ___Formerly Male ___Formerly Female
___Both ___ Neither
Please list brand of cell phone: __________________.
(If you don't own a cell phone, please explain.)__________________
Did you purchase your cell phone from a gentleman out of a truck named Guido?______
(If not, please explain.)__________________
Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead
Men: [ ] Your's [ ] Not Your's
Please check activities you perform while driving:
(Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying makeup
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back seat
[ ] Having sex (describe variant)
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers ______
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving. ____
Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.
Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac; b) Zovirax; c) Lithium; d) Xanax; e) Valium.
If none, please explain: __________________.
Length of daily commute:
a) 1 hour; b) 2 hours; c) 3 hours; d) 4 hours or more.
In case of accident please notify: (Please rank)
[ ] Personal Trainer
[ ] Plastic surgeon
[ ] Body Shop
[ ] Nutritionist
[ ] Next of kin

TEST

If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime;
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news on a high-speed chase;
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through;
d) Call your therapist;
e) None of the above (South Central residents only).
In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a) stop your car,
b) keep driving and hope for the best,
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones, or
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4?
In the instance of rain, you should:
a) never drive over 5 MPH,
b) drive twice as fast as usual, or
c) you're not sure what 'rain' is.
When stopped by police, should you
a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready,
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405,
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit?
Please turn in your test to the lady behind the bulletproof virtual window on your left.

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Bagpipe Gags

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Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.
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Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
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Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.
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Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
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Q. What's the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawn mower.
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Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune bagpipe player, an out-of-tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out-of-tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.
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Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A. Add vibrato.
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Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.
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Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and dead bagpiper in the road?
A. Skid marks in front of the snake.
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Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.
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Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
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Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.
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Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.
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Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. To get away from the sound.
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Q. What's the definition of "optimism"
A. A bagpiper with a beeper.

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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 11 /04 /2000