11-11-2000
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Fred and Nora had both been in the same nursing home
for years. Fred had been chasing Nora's skirt for as
long as she had been there, but Nora wouldn't give him
the time of day.
On Fred's 90th birthday, he approached Nora. "Nora,
wont you PLEASE give me a little for my birthday? I
am not going to live much longer."
She replied, "Okay, Fred. You have been after me for
years, just meet me in my room at 10pm."
Fred shaved, and got ready for his big night.
At precisely 10, Nora heard a knock on her door. She
let him in, and to his surprise, she was already stark
naked. Nora carefully placed a bottle of nitroglycerine
tablets on the night stand, and then lay down.
Motioning him to follow her into bed, she stated ,"Fred,
it is only fair I warn you that we may have to stop
in the middle of this, because I have acute angina."
To which Fred replied, "Good thing, because you sure
have ugly tits!!"
TOP
A man walks out into the street and manages to get a
taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says,
"Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."
"Who?"
"Dave Bronson. There's a guy who did everything right.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have
happened like that to Dave every single time."
"There are always a few clouds over everybody."
"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have
gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros.
He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway
star."
"He was something, huh?"
"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat
with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and
the whole neighborhood blacks out."
"No wonder you remember him."
"Well, I never actually met Dave."
"Then how do you know so much about him?"
"I married his widow."
TOP
When you have had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT days, try
this. On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to
the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a
rectal thermometer made by *Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this
brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and
disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy.
Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie
down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer and
remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bedside table so
that it will not become chipped or broken. Take the written material
that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice
in small print the statement that "every rectal thermometer made by
Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested."
Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I
do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company."
TOP
If the Beatles were Programmers
Eleanor Rigby
-------------
Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
Finding some code that will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?
All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users,
why does it take so long?
Guru MacKenzie
Typing the lines of a program that no one will run; Isn't it fun?
Look at him working,
Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile;
It takes a while...
All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users,
why does it take so long?
Eleanor Rigby
Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work; Feels like a jerk.
Guru MacKenzie
Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code;
Nothing will load.
All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users,
why does it take so long?
=========================
Write in C ("Let it Be")
-------------
When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."
As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
"Write in C."
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
LOGO's dead and buried,
Write in C.
I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.
If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC's not the answer.
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C.
TOP
A pastor and his new bride on their wedding night.
She discovered, on that wonderful first night together, that he had a
rather odd sexual habit: whenever he reached an orgasm, he would
shout, "Jesus Christ!"
She took it in stride at first, but discovered, as the days went on,
that it happened every single time. Finally, after a week, she could
contain herself no longer. "Dear," she began, "I'm glad you find the
physical part of our relationship so wonderful. But I am just a bit
... curious ... about this odd ... habit you have, of shouting the
Lord's name. Don't you think it's a bit ... well ... blasphemous?"
To which he responded, "Quite the contrary, my dear. We read in
Scripture: 'Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!'"
TOP
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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 9/29/02