11-17-2001

Historical Perspective

You know how people are always wondering how certain phrases came into being, like "Don't shoot till you see the whites of their eyes" and "Remember the Alamo" and so on. A lot of people asked me where the saying "You gotta be shittin me" came from. It so happens I know.

Way back, George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with thirty-three of his troops. They were packed into the boats. It was extremely dark and storming furiously. The water was tossing them back and forth. Finally Washington grabbed Corporal Peters and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern.He ordered him to keep swinging it so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters stood up braving the wind and driving rain, swinging the lantern back and forth. A while later a big gust of wind hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.
Washington and his troops searched for hours trying to find Corporal Peters but to no avail. All of them felt terrible for the Corporal had been one their favo rites. An hour later Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them they must go on. An hour later Washington and his men could go no further. One of his men said,"General, I see lights ahead." They trudged towards the lights and came upon a huge house there in the woods. What they didn't know was this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open and the madam looked out to see Washington and all his men standing there. A huge smile came across her face to see so many men standing there. Washington spoke up, "Mam, I'm General George Washington and these are my men. We're tired and exhausted and desperately need warmth and comfort for a while. Again the Madam looked at all the men standing there and with a broad smile on her face said, "Well General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"
Washington said " Well mam, there are thirty two of us without Peters." Madam said, "You gotta be shittin me !"

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A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender "Hey! Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes totally quiet. In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blond, the bouncer is blond and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blond with a black belt in karate. What's more, the guy sitting next to me is 6'2, weighs about 225 lbs. and he's a blond weight lifter," he continues, "The fella to your right is blond, 6'5" and pushing 300 lbs. and he's a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says: "Nah! Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

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Two buddies are on their way to the U.S. Army Induction center for physicals. Neither wants to go to war, so one says, "I hear that if you don't have any teeth they won't take you."

They decide it's worth a try, so they stop at a Dentist and have all their teeth pulled.

When they arrive at the Induction Center there is a line waiting to get physicals. They decide it might look fishy if both stand in line, one after the other, so one guy heads for the back of the line. Just as he steps into line, a big 'ol farm boy hits the end of the line right in front of him, so the 2nd toothless guy lines up behind him.

The first toothless guy steps up and the doc asks, "Anything wrong with you?"

The Guy says, "Well, no, except I don't have any teeth."

The Doc says, "Open up and let me have a look."

The Guy opens his mouth and the doctor runs his finger around his gums and says, "Sure enough, you stand over there."

The line slowly progressed to his buddy while he waited. The Farm boy steps up and the doc asks, "Aything wrong with you?" The Farm Boy says, "No doc, 'ceptin I have a little case of the piles."
The doctor says, "Bend over, spread 'em and let me see."

The Boy does so. The doctor rams his finger in, pulls it out, looks at his finger and says, "Sure enough. You've got 'em, stand over there."

The next toothless guy steps up and when the doctor asks him, "Anything wrong with you?"

He bellows, "NOT GODDAMN THING, JUST GIVE ME THE GUN!!!!!"

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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 11/17/01