11-27-1999

Confession:

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The Priest says, "Is that you, Tommy?

Tommy says "Yes father, it's me."

The Priest says "Who was the woman you were with?"

Tommy says "I cannot tell you, father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation."

The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

Tommy replies "No, father."

The priest asks, "Was it Fiona MacDonald?"

Tommy replies "No."

The priest asks, "Was it Ann Brown?"

Tommy replies "No."

The priest asks, "Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?"

Tommy replies "No, father."

The priest asks, "Was it Amy Thomas?"

Tommy replies "No, father."

The priest asks, "Was it little Cathy Morgan?"

Tommy replies "NO father! I cannot tell you."

The priest finally says, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be four 'Our Fathers' and five Hail Mary's'. Now go back to your seat."

Tommy walks back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and whispers, What happened?!"

"Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Mary, and six good leads."

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A Chicken and an Egg are laying in bed next to each other.
The chicken has a small smile on its face and is smoking a cigarette.
The egg has a frown on its face and is looking rather pissed off.
The chicken says to no one in particular, "Well I guess we answered that question."

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Have it Your Way

An eighty year old virgin woman went to the doctor because she had an itch in her crotch. She told the doctor her problem and he said, "You have the crabs".
She informed the doctor that it could not be the crabs because she was an eighty year old virgin.

She went to another doctor and explained her problem to him. The doctor said, "You probably have the crabs".
"No" she said, "I am an eighty year old virgin."

Frustrated, she went to a third doctor. She said, "Doctor can you help me?
I have an itch in my crotch. Don't tell me that it is the crabs because I am an eighty year old virgin. It can not be the crabs."
The doctor said, "Jump on the table and let's have a look." After examing the doctor proclaimed, "Ma'am, your right, you do not have the crabs, this cherry is so old, you have fruit flies."

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A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sign that said, "The Gold Dust Twins are coming" and I had to smile.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Sloan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to grin.
Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly control myself.
BUT....when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident." I laughed out loud.
"Case Dismissed" said the Judge.

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Miss Bea was in her 80's and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the Spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity; surely Miss Bea had flipped! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.
When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl and its strange floater, but soon it got the best of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this."
Pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking down town last fall and I found this little package.
It said to put it on your organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease.
And you know, I think it is working. I haven't had a cold all winter!"

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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 11/27/99