12-02-2001

Facts of Life

A father was explaining the facts of life to his teenage son. After covering the basic biology, he moved on to the finer points of love-making. Their conversation went as follows:

The Dad: One thing to keep in mind, son, is that different women say different things during the sex act, even if you are doing the same thing.

The Son: What do you mean, Dad?

The Dad: Well, for example, their words will vary according to their occupation. For example, a prostitute will tend to say, "Are you done yet?" On the other hand, a nymphomaniac will ask, "Are you done already?"

The Son: What do other women say?

The Dad: Well, a school teacher will say, "We are going to do this over and over again until you get it right!" A nurse will say, "This won't hurt one bit."

The Son: I thought they said, "Pull down your pants and bend over."

The Dad: That's male nurses. But let's move on, a bank teller will say, "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal." A stewardess will say, "Place this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally."

The Son: And what does mom say?

The Dad: She says, "Beige... beige... I think we should paint the ceiling beige."

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A heart specialist doctor died and it's his funeral. The coffin sits in front of a huge heart. When the pastor finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed. What a beautiful way to go. Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing.
The guy next to him asked, "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist!

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Actual Product Labels

1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping."

2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."

3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."

4. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down."

5. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."

6. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."

7. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

8. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."

9. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."

10. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use"

11. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

12. On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

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Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts. But he knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, who was the King's chief physician. Horatio said "I can arrange it, but I will need 1,000 gold coins to pay bribes". Michael the Dragon Master readily agreed.

The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching lotion and poured a little of it into the Queens brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after she dressed the itching commenced and grew in intensity. Upon being called to the royal chambers, Horatio told the King that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown such a saliva was only to be found in Michael the Dragon Master's mouth.

King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon master and issued the imperial command. Michael the Dragon Master slipped the antidote to the itching lotion, which Horatio had given him, into his mouth and for the next four hours worked passionately on the Queen's magnificent breasts.

Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found Horatio demanding payment. However, with his obsession now satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio anything and shooed him away, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching lotion into King Arthur's loncloth. And the King again summoned Michael the Dragon Master.

Moral of the story: Pay your bills and don't be a sucker!

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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 12/2/01