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On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union, as called for in their union contract, even though they will not be asked to play a note),

TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX freedom-challenged Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally-sanctioned, enforced domestic incarceration,

(NOTE after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs

THREE deconstructionist poets

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and...

ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

Merry Christmas Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa Oh, heck! Happy Holiday*!!!!

*Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with a suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.

Happy Holidays to one and all!


An Arkansas Xmas

'Twas the night before Christmas,
and all through the shack,
not a darn thing was a movin',
from the front to the back.

On Christmas, of course,
a sleigh for his rig,
He hooks the thing up
to a Razorback pig!

The kids were in bed,
We had nine at the time,
The wife in her curlers,
was lookin' real fine.

He climbed on the roof,
with his bag full of goodies,
He backed down the fireplace,
all dirty and sooty.

A cold wind was blowin',
up the holler it moaned,
All ten dogs on the porch
howled and groaned.

Fat legs in his britches,
chubby hands in his mittens,
I must admit from the back,
he looked lots like Bill Clinton.

The boys were all dreamin'
of weapons and guns,
for killin' God's creatures,
....there's no better fun!

He turned toward the tree,
His eyes all aglow,
He was an Arkansas boy
from his head to his toe.

The girls in their feminine
dreams were attuned,
to getting those gallons
of Wal-Mart perfume.

His neck was a red one,
His shirt said "Lite Beer",
he had no red hat on,
but his cap read "John Deere".

The wife wanted jewelry,
like rings with big rocks,
I just wanted my Chevy
down off the blocks.

He left all the presents,
with an air of delight,
Then it was back to the chimney,
and into the night.

Then out in the yard,
such a noise did commence,
like something was caught
in our new bob-war fence.

He ran into the yard,
threw his bag in the sleigh,
Then he yelled at the dogs,
"Get the hell out th' way!"

I ran to the window,
and saw pretty quick,
the man makin' that racket,
was Good Ol' St. Nick.

I ran out to ask him
Why he brought such good cheer;
But instead he just asked me
"You get you a deer?"

You may think of Santa
in your own mind's eye,
dressed in a red and white suit,
But I've got a surprise.

Then I heard him exclaim,
as those pigs took to flight,
"Merry Christmas to all.....
I need a Bud Lite!"

That old boy's an Arkie,
from up near Mt. Gaylor;
He married his cousin,
and they live in a trailer.



Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.

The minor residents, i.e., the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e., dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the party of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of head gear, e.g., kerchief and cap.)

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)

Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.

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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 12/12/99