12-23-2000
Home--Jokes Homepage
A Pagan died and, much to her surprise, found herself at the Pearly
Gates facing St. Peter. He walked up to her and said, "Hello, and welcome."
She stared at St. Peter in complete confusion. "Wait a minute," she
said. "I was supposed to end up in the Summerlands."
He smiled. "Ah, you must be one of our Pagan sisters. Follow me,
please."
Peter gestured for her to follow him down a small path which went
through the gates and down a bit to the left. They walked for a short
while, then he stepped back and gestured her forward. Looking past his
hand, she saw the verdant fields and forests of her desired Summerlands.
She saw people feasting, dancing, and making merry, exactly as she
expected. While shaking her head in wonder, the Pagan happened to glance
over to one side and saw a small group of people a short way away from the
edge of the Summerlands. The people in the group were watching the
revelers, but not joining them. Instead, they were screaming and weeping
piteously.
The Pagan looked at St. Peter. "Who are those people?"
St. Peter replied, "Them? They're fundamentalists. They're a bit
surprised to see you all there, so they stand there and carry on like
that all day."
"Why? Don't they have better things to do?"
Peter leaned conspiratorially toward her. "They don't really have a
choice. They're actually in Hell. God doesn't like being told what He
thinks."
TOP
A woman finds out that her husband is cheating on her while stationed in
Saudi Arabia. So she sends him a very special care package. He is very
excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds that it
contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favorite TV
shows. He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting
around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some episodes
of South Park.
Right in the middle of one episode the tape cuts to a home video of his
wife on her knees giving his best friend oral sex. After a few seconds, he
does his business in her mouth and she turns and spits the load right into
the mixing bowl of cookie dough. She then looks at the camera and says,
"By the way, I want a divorce."
Now that's a Dear John letter...
TOP
A man with no arms and no legs is out lying on the beach one day, enjoying
his chance to get some sun.
All of a sudden, a beautiful woman walks by and stops. "You poor man,"
she says. "I bet you've never been kissed, have you?"
The man has to admit, no, he never has, so she bends down and plants a
good one right on the mouth.
A few minutes later, another gorgeous babe walks up. "You look like
you need a hug," she says.
He agrees that would be nice, she gives him a great one, and walks
away.
A few minutes later, a drop-dead gorgeous girl walks by. She stops, a
sultry smile on her face and looks down at him. "Mister", she says,
"have you ever been screwed?"
"No", he says with a hopeful grin.
"Well, you are now. The tide's coming in."
TOP
When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public
life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala
dinner party in his honour.
At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking
with Madame de Gaulle.
"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure,
such a presence on the French and International scene for
so many years!
How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are
you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"
"A penis," replied Madame de Gaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her
answer... and no-one knew what to say next.
Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Mon cherie, I believe
ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!'
TOP
Home--Jokes Homepage
Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 12 /23 /2000